Opinion | Paul Olson: We used to walk 10 miles in the snow to school

I used to teach marketing at Colorado Mountain College. Marketing in the most basic sense is how organizations meet the needs of customers. Companies that are skillful marketers aim to make their customers happy, earning their trust and loyalty. It may be a useful analogy to think of ourselves as marketers when we are in a conversation. Are we meeting needs of the other person we are speaking with or are we only meeting our own needs?

Let’s say your wife comes home from work and is upset about a conflict with a coworker. After she tells you the situation, you offer some fantastic advice that you are sure will solve all her problems. You are surprised she does not thank you for being so smart and helpful. You failed to recognize her need to let off some steam and be the master of her own conflict and instead focused on your need to be an expert problem solver.

Author Charles Duhigg discusses the importance of recognizing the type of conversation in which you are engaged in his book “Supercommunicators.” The discussion may be about feelings as in the example above. Or is it about trying to accomplish something as might be the case at work or in an educational setting? Or is it a social conversation where you are sharing stories and learning about another’s beliefs and dreams?

Duhigg gives the example of doctors who are advising patients on what cancer treatment to choose. Citing statistics from research is often not what the patient wants to hear because the patient is thinking about how their family will take the decision and how loved ones might be affected if the treatment is not successful. Having a heart-to-heart chat about the patient’s feelings and fears may result in a connected conversation and a better treatment decision.

Sometimes we will be in a conversation where we can’t get a word in edgewise. This person obviously has an important story to tell, and we are fulfilling their needs. We can praise ourselves for not interrupting and being a skilled listener. Hopefully it is not your Aunt Clara who has told you this same story 15 times.

If you want to boldly have a long chat with someone with opposite political views, you can try One Small Step, a nonprofit which is trying to reduce division in our nation by helping us get to know those who see things differently. There is a facilitator so the risk of violence is low. I did this a few years ago and had an enjoyable, enlightening discussion.

Duhigg says elections are more about feelings than facts. My uncle would tell me about how tough life was during the Great Depression and World War II. It was no wonder that he was conservative about money and politics and had high regard for the military. Duhigg points out that conspiracy theories often involve detailed stories that people can relate to — crooked politicians, greedy corporations and a rigged economy. If these match up with a person’s own life story, they will be very resistant to change.

I never asked my parents “What was your favorite subject in school?” or “What was your biggest fear when you were a teenager?” And they never asked such questions of me, so a great opportunity for discovery and connection was lost. There is much talk in recent years about increased mental illness among teenagers. Screen time and social media is often given the blame, but perhaps it is also due to parents and their kids not connecting because they lack curiosity and communication skills.

Every conversation is an opportunity for connection. Even the chairlift conversation offers potential. Yes, it is difficult to establish a deep bond with an anonymous skier during the nine minutes it takes to reach the mountaintop, but there is little danger of the conversation veering off into uncomfortable territory. You exchange praise for the glorious weather and the snow conditions, and you part feeling a little more optimism and joy.

Consider the leaders in our community, in nonprofits, schools, businesses and government. Much of their success and respect from others comes from their communication skills, how they listen and ask the right questions to gain a better understanding of others. In “How to Know a Person,” author David Brooks says that “a good conversation is an act of joint exploration” where the best is brought out and you might “have thoughts you never had before.” You don’t have to be a “supercommunicator” to be attentive and listen more carefully and discover a deeper connection with someone in your next conversation.

Paul Olson’s column “A Friendly Conservative” publishes biweekly on Tuesdays in the Summit Daily News. Olson has lived in Breckenridge since 1995. Semiretired, he works at REI in Dillon and enjoys snowboarding,…